3 Steps to a Higher Libido and More Frequent Sex

Does sex feel like a chore? Are you frustrated because you (or your beau/s) want sex more? Do you want to want it?

Join Passion by Kait founder and certified sex educator, Kait Scalisi, MPH for a free workshop to get on the same page libido-wise and get excited about sex again.

In this hour-long workshop you’ll learn:
* the two most common reasons you or your partner’s sex drive is low
* practical and powerful techniques to get in the mood
* the #1 step you can take to start having more fun and frequent sex ASAP

You’ll leave feeling confident (in yourself and your relationship/s) and excited about having sex again.

Kait will also share more about PbK’s latest course, The PbK Guide to Having More Sex.

A replay will be made available for a limited time to those who can’t make it live.

Register Now

How Can We Make Sex Talk Easier?

Have you ever played the word game, Taboo? The idea is that you have to get your teammates to guess a word that’s written on your card — “hotel,” for example — but without using the word itself, or any related words listed on the card (like “room,” “holiday,” “keycard,” etc.) It’s tricky. It’s an interesting exercise in how good you are at communication. If you want to win the game, it takes a lot of skill, a bit of experimentation and occasionally a bit of mind-reading. This is how life is for many people who struggle to talk about sex.

This month I was reading an article about a recent study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, which looked at rates of women faking orgasm alongside their attitudes towards sexual communication. The conclusion — which will probably not come as a surprise to many who work in the sex industry — was that greater self-reported sexual satisfaction was associated with more comfortable sexual communication. The easier it is for you to talk about sex, the more satisfying your sex life will be.

It may not be surprising, but it’s nice to have confirmation of something I’ve long since suspected: if you can be specific about what gives you pleasure, and comfortable communicating that to a partner, then you’re likely to enjoy a much more satisfying sex life. The principle extends to solo sex too — if you’re shopping around for sex toys, it’s invaluable to be able to specify whether you prefer clitoral stimulation to G-spot stimulation, rumbly and powerful toys or gentler sensations, patterns or constant vibrations, and much more besides. It’s the difference between walking into Carphone Warehouse with a list of your specific requirements (“I need a decent camera because I like to take pictures, at least 5GB of data each month, and a carrier with coverage in Aberdeen”) versus simply saying “I know nothing about this” and letting the salesperson sell you something overpriced and unfit for your purpose.

When it comes to getting what you want, there is no substitute for good communication. You probably know this if you’re working in sex toy customer service or marketing: if I had a dollar for every time someone asked “will my wife like X?” and had to be gently reminded that the only way to know that is to talk to their wife about X, I’d probably own a yacht by now. But how do we get people to communicate more about this? How can we help those who have unsatisfying sex because they simply can’t find the words to talk about it?

Recent discussions around the orgasm gap have been doing well, I think, at highlighting the importance of communication. And not just generic communication like “this is where my clit is, please stimulate it!” but more in-depth discussions around individual bodies, and the very personal and unique ways different people respond to stimulation.

There was a fantastic twitter thread this month by sex and relationships journalist Franki Cookney, in which she took issue with a meme that was going around on Instagram at the time. The meme read, “It takes 237 muscles to fake an orgasm, but only 15 to say ‘it’s called a clitoris and it’s right here.’” Franki’s point — which was an excellent one — is that there is far more to communication than just saying “here is my clitoris.” Thinking back to that study, the women who reported greater sexual satisfaction were likely not just pointing towards their clitorises and saying “there!”, because there’s so much more to it than that: the type of stimulation someone needs (which may or may not be clitoral), whether they use sex toys, whether they feel comfortable within the relationship (and within that exact moment) to be precise about exactly what they need, and whether they can guarantee that their partner will hear and understand them.

In the study, reasons women gave for not communicating their needs included not wanting to hurt a partner’s feelings, not feeling comfortable going into detail, and embarrassment. So while it may be easy for those of us who work in the sex toy industry to say, “This is my clitoris, here’s how you need to stimulate it,” there are many women for whom this simply isn’t the case. So how can those of us who are comfortable with communication pave the way for those who find it more difficult? The first thing is one I think we’re all doing already: talking and writing about sex in easy-to-access ways. Most sex toy companies, adult performers and other industry types are already aware of the difference it can make to simply talk openly on our public platforms about sex. Whether Instagram, Twitter, blogs, or any other channel that works to reach people who may not have heard of you before.

The other thing, though, is an area I think we can all improve on: getting rid of language that feeds into embarrassment. I’m very conscious, when reading sex-related posts, of words like “naughty” or “indecent” or “rude.” In some contexts these can heighten people’s arousal by playing on the “taboo” nature of what we do. But when overused, these words cement a feeling of shame: teaching people that their sex lives are things that should be whispered about behind closed doors. Likewise euphemisms like “V-zone” or “froo froo” (actual terms used in marketing products to people with vaginas!) can sometimes cause more harm than good: making it difficult for people (whether through ignorance or embarrassment) to specifically name parts of their body when they’re trying to communicate their needs.

As I say, I think in the sex industry we’re pretty good at this already. We aren’t afraid to have the conversations that more mainstream industries might shy away from. But it’s something I think we need to always be aware of: where we may be using euphemisms or ‘shaming’ language ironically, because we know there’s no shame in sex, there are many people who still can’t bring themselves to name body parts or articulate their needs. Studies like the one mentioned above are a good reminder that not everyone’s up to speed yet, and we need to tailor our work accordingly. Use accurate terms, with confidence, and keep repeating them until they are no longer “taboo” things to whisper in embarrassment, but everyday terms that everyone feels comfortable using.

How Can We Make Sex Talk Easier? by Julia Margo originally appeared in XBIZ

How to Ask for What You Want in Bed (Without Feeling Awkward)

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Ever found yourself wanting more in bed? Sex educator Cassandra Corrado shares 6 proven strategies.

You’re lying in bed next to someone and they roll over to ask you how it was. “It was great” you lie, maybe giving them a kiss to make it seem more real. In reality, your rendezvous fell flat of your expectations.

Here’s the thing: If you don’t communicate your sexual wants to your partner (and you’re lying about what is fulfilling) then they can’t be expectations. They’re just wishes.

We’re rarely taught how to ask for what we want in bed. In movies, sex happens spontaneously — two people who are so turned on by each other’s presence, they have firework-inducing orgasms without ever telling each other what they want. In porn, you usually hop right into the scene without seeing the conversation that happened ahead of time. In sex ed, you were probably taught how to use a condom and how to “just say no”, but you probably weren’t taught how to have a real conversation about sex.

So it makes sense that a lot of us are pretty bad at asking for what we want in the sack.

Advocating for yourself is something that takes practice, whether it’s asking for a raise at work or teaching your partner how to help you reach an orgasm. You might know exactly what you want, but if you haven’t practiced asking for it before, then you’re probably not getting it.

So, here are six strategies that can help you ask for what you want in bed (without wanting to crawl under the covers and hide there forever).

  1. Do a confidence audit

You might not feel confident talking about your desires in the bedroom, but that doesn’t mean you’re an unconfident person. You might have high levels of professional confidence (you kick ass at work and know it), high levels of self-confidence (you’re pretty cool with who you are as a person and you know what your strengths and weaknesses are), or maybe you have high levels of relationship confidence (you know how to advocate for yourself in a variety of relationship types).

So, do a confidence audit. Think about the realms of your life where you feel truly confident. What helps you feel that way? Is it your skill level, your support system, the feedback you’ve received, or something else entirely? Take note — that’s the context that helps you exist in a confident mindset. Now apply that same analysis to areas of your life where you feel unconfident. Why don’t you feel confident? Do you have a helpful support system? Do you get regular feedback? Do you have a history of trauma that’s related to this area?

Doing a confidence audit is basically like doing a SWOT analysis on yourself — it helps you understand where you’re strong, where you can improve, and what your opportunities for growth are. Plus, knowing the things that help feed your confidence in one realm can help you nurture your confidence in another — like talking about what you want in bed.

  1. Talk about sex with your friends

Sex talk isn’t just for your sexual partners. If you’re having a hard time talking to your partner about your sex life, your friends have probably experienced something similar. Even if they haven’t, participating in more open, casual conversations about sex and sexual pleasure can be a lower-risk way (emotionally) of talking about what you’re into.

It’s like a practice ground for a more intense, private conversation with your partner. Just make sure you figure out how much you’re comfortable sharing — especially with that one especially judgmental friend in the group.

If you don’t have friends who you feel like you can talk about sex with, skim your mental inventory and see if there’s anyone who you could. Maybe it’s your doctor or therapist, or maybe it’s your mom. The key is to create a space where you can talk about sex in a normalizing environment, rather than a stigmatizing one.

  1. Start out of the bedroom

If you’re someone who doesn’t feel confident voicing your desires in the bedroom, then start with something basic: changing the setting. Talking about sex in the moment is important, but if you’re talking big picture desires, boundaries, and curiosities, it’s better to have that conversation with your clothes on.

Stripping down often makes us feel more vulnerable, and when we’re feeling vulnerable, we’re less likely to listen closely, advocate for our desires, and respond the way that we want to. Plus, talking about desire in the moment can lead to someone saying “yes” to something that they’re actually uncertain about because they feel pressure to respond right then.

So, take the conversation out of the bedroom. Make a cup of tea or pour a glass of wine and plan a “sex talk” date with your partner(s). Make it cozy and sensual — you’re designing the space to feel safe and open, just like the conversation itself.

  1. Take a sex survey

Use a quiz or yes/no/maybe lists to create a playful atmosphere. Online tools like MojoUpgrade and We Should Try It have surveys where you can mark your sexual interests as yes, no, or maybe, and your partner can do the same. You do the quizzes separately and receive an email sharing the results of only the things you matched positively on.


How to Ask for What You Want in Bed (Without Feeling Awkward) by Cassandra Corrado originally appeared on Rumble & Buz

Head Games: Using Vibrators for P3nis Pleasure

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Ever tried a vibe on a D? We want to talk about blowjobs, handjobs, anything, and everything to do with penis pleasure!

Writer’s note: Throughout this article, we will be referring to the genitals of someone assigned male at birth as a penis and using masculine pronouns, but these tips will work on a wide range of folx, regardless of their gender or what they call their privates.

Investing in your first sex toy can be an exciting and/or overwhelming experience. Once you have it in your hands, what do you even do with it? It may seem straight forward, but if it’s your first sex toy it’s completely understandable to feel a bit out of the sea without a little direction.

On the flip side, maybe you have a drawer full of sex toys and you aren’t looking for a new toy but rather looking for new ways to use your existing 100 vibrators. You’ve tried each toy at each setting at different angles on your sensitive bits and now want to use your trusty go-to pleasure tool in a new way.

We’re here to help! Through years of, um, “personal research,” our team has compiled a list of creative ways to turn your toys into weapons of mass destruction in a way that you may have never even considered before. By mass destruction, we’re talking about blowjobs, handjobs, anything and everything to do with penis pleasing — and YES, you can use vibrators on penis’ for intense and sometimes explosive results.

Scroll on down to read our top five tips on using vibrators during sex:

  1. Preheating the oven

It may seem like some folks are always “ready to go,” and sometimes others might need a helping hand. Foreplay can be just as important for him as it is for anyone and using a handheld vibrator can aid with getting things going.

Before you begin, make sure to apply ample water-based lubricant to your toy. There is nothing more uncomfortable than an unlubricated sex toy on the genitals, regardless of how high quality the material of the toy is!

Set your toy to the lowest setting with your partner’s preferred pattern. The patterns that have quick “thuds” can often work the best here, as each thud acts as a little knock at the door. Lightly trace the vibrating part of the toy around the head of the penis while doing whatever else you want — making out, kissing their neck, playing with their nipples, whatever their “thing” is. You can even hold the vibrator in the palm of your hand and simply wrap your hand around the entire penis, applying a slight amount of pressure, and not move your hand at all. This will help send the pulsing vibrations deeper into the penis and get blood flowing to the area.

  1. Snake charmer

Once he is at attention, it’s time to start turning up the heat. With the penis fully erect, it is ok to start using stronger intensity vibrations.

Turn your vibe up to the setting your partner prefers and apply light pressure to the frenulum — this is the soft area on the “front” of the penis in between where the head of the penis merges into the shaft. This area is incredibly sensitive and responds well to lubrication, vibration, and even temperature.

Apply slight pressure to the frenulum and then slide the vibe down the front of the shaft as you take the head of the penis into your mouth. The vibe should reach where the shaft meets the testicles and hold there for a beat, then slide back up and repeat. You can modify the pace based on personal preference.

  1. It’s all in the throat

This one admittedly feels a little silly, but it’s simple and easy to do with some pretty fun results. Using the petite massage wand press up again the bottom of your chin just above your voice box to turn your mouth into a vibrating wonderland.

Warning: If you talk while you’re attempting this, you will have some serious robot voice! Give it a try if you’re up for having a laugh. Sex should be fun after all, so have fun with it!

  1. The reach-around

While positioned behind your partner, reach around and use a palm-sized vibe to cradle your partner’s penis. Gently stroke up and down while moving your body in sync. The lack of eye contact adds to the psychological excitement here and can feel next level amazing!

  1. Playing with the luggage

Of course, you should never forget to play with the testicles! Playing with the balls can make both parties feel a bit nervous because we don’t want to hurt them (obviously). But believe it or not, the testicles are actually fairly resilient and respond well to temperature, pressure, vibrator, and even (brace yourself) light squeezing. There is a common phrase used in regards to fingering that goes “know the difference between summoning a genie and stuffing a chicken,” and the same rule applies to pressure on the testicles.

Using a wand massager have your partner lay on their back and position the head of the wand directly against their body under their balls. This will hit your body differently depending on the size of your body, so don’t feel like you can’t play around with this just because “it’s not in the right spot.”

With the wand between their legs and against their body, gently lift the wand towards the testicles as you alternate hand strokes on the penis. As you go down further along the shaft with your mouth, raise the wand up to meet the testicles, and then when you are coming up lower the wand back down. This will give a pleasure-in-stereo sensation that will add an exciting level of stimulation to an otherwise basic blowjob.

These are only a handful of suggestions for how to creatively use your sex toys on a partner. We strongly encourage you to get creative and communicate with your partner about what they like. See what you can come up with together!


Head Games: Using Vibrators for Penis Pleasure originally appeared on Rumble & Buzz

Understanding and Embracing the Aging, Female Consumer

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In today’s flourishing sex toy market, excitement and enjoyment aren’t difficult to find. When consumers are seeking unique sensations or a newfound kink, they can easily count on their favorite retailer or online store to provide a plethora of products and a few sex-ed lessons to boot from knowledgeable sales reps.

But for every youthful, enthusiastic shopper, how many more are suffering silently on the sidelines and in need of a solution that’s not as simple as buying a new bullet?

Medical reports show that three in four women will experience dysapreunia, more commonly known as painful sex, due to dozens of conditions such as endometriosis, vaginismus, post-partum issues and pelvic floor dysfunction. Vaginal dryness and atrophy are also common challenges, especially during menopause.

While our bustling intimate products industry is ready to tackle the millennial-focused orgasm gap, we’re often lacking in advice and solutions for middle-aged and senior women. This vital group of female consumers is just as capable and deserving of a vibrant, delightful sex life, whether solo or partnered.

As technological luck would have it, we’re entering a new era of solutions targeted at treating painful sex. CBD extract holds incredible potential to provide natural relief and increased pleasure for women facing age-related barriers to intimate wellness.

A little reproductive system sex-ed and a selection of CBD-based products can go a long way in returning a middle-aged or senior woman to a rightfully enjoyable sex life.

Understanding and Embracing the Aging, Female Consumer

The majority of women begin menopause around age 51. The body is no longer of optimal age to bear children, so around this time, a woman’s ovaries will shut down and her menstrual periods will cease.

We’ve all heard of menopause and generally associate it with women in their senior years. However, you might be surprised to find that many of your 40-something female customers — and even some women in their mid to late 30s — are already dealing with age-related sexual health issues.

Perimenopause arrives anywhere from a few months to four to seven years before a woman’s last menstrual cycle. Most women can expect to see signs of perimenopause sometime in their 40s, though it’s not entirely unusual to encounter hormonal and cyclical changes around the mid-30s.

During this time, women can experience menopause-like symptoms like hot flashes, sleep disturbances, irregular periods or depression and anxiety due to the fluctuation of estrogen. Perimenopause is the body’s way of signaling that full menopause and ovarian shutdown is on its way, albeit very gradually.

With this natural stage of life comes a decrease in estrogen, which often leads to sexual symptoms many women aren’t comfortable discussing, or even sure how to address, with a retail sales rep.

As experts in selling sex education and pleasure-focused experiences, it’s imperative that we also sell our customers on appreciating every stage of womanhood. From the time we’re born, women’s bodies move through an incredible array of changes: puberty and the growth of our curves, menstruation, the discovery of our sexuality and orgasmic potential, and the life-changing transformation of childbirth and motherhood.

As sex-positive pleasure professionals, it’s truly our duty to celebrate women as they age and infect their attitudes with a contagious joy toward middle-aged and senior sexuality.

Enhanced awareness of the unique health issues aging women face is essential. Once retailers understand the signs and symptoms of age-related painful sex, their intuition can guide even the shyest of consumers to a comfortable solution with CBD extract.

Menopause and Painful Sex

The North American Menopause Society claims that between 17 percent and 45 percent of postmenopausal women say they find sex painful. Is it any wonder that the pleasure products space desperately needs to rise to these women’s needs?

Decreasing estrogen leads to thinner vaginal walls and dryness, turning sex from a once-anticipated activity to a cause for fear and anxiety. During penetration, discomfort can range from feeling uncomfortably dry or tight to severe pain. Post-sex, burning or soreness in the vagina or vulva are just as common.

If left untreated, a combination of insufficient lubrication and inflammation can cause tearing and bleeding of the vaginal walls, leaving women vulnerable to infection.

What’s worse, the more painful, unbearable sex a woman has, the more her anxiety is likely to trigger vaginismus. This involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles, caused by anticipation of pain, only continues the ugly cycle of nightmarish intercourse.

Intimate CBD Products for Decreasing Pain and Increasing Pleasure

CBD can be Goddess-sent for perimenopausal and menopausal customers — or anyone experiencing painful penetration and intimate health problems — who have yet to find light at the end of the tunnel.

CBD, short for cannabidiol, is a non-psychoactive, non-psychotropic compound extracted from the cannabis plant. It provides all of the pain and anxiety relief of other cannabis products without any negative side effects or the “high” feeling typically associated with medical marijuana.

For millions of women who suffer from sexual pain, genital inflammation or pre-sex anxiousness, CBD can provide welcomed relief in a natural, herbal remedy without a prescription.

When taken orally, CBD extract provides natural anti-anxiety properties. It can help calm the mind and get anxious consumers out of their heads, so to speak, and back into the moment. Many consumers who struggle with overall mental health problems, like depression, anxiety or ADHD, have felt more energetic, focused and positive after imbibing an appropriate, daily dose of CBD.

CBD is also an amazing, natural anti-inflammatory and can help reduce pain throughout the body. Studies have shown CBD to be anti-arthritic and capable of reducing inflammation in the joints and muscles.

For overall mental and full-body physical relief, CBD in the form of edible tinctures, pills or treats like gummies is your customers’ best bet.

For more specific pain in the genitals, especially during sexual activity, you can additionally recommend a CBD lubricant formulated for safe internal use. Customers can always combine an edible extract with a penetration-friendly lube to maximize pain relief and pleasure.

CBD lubricants bring all the benefits of cannabidiol right where aging women need it most: in their vulva tissue and inside the vagina.

When applied on the genitals as a sexual lubricant, CBD acts as a natural anti-inflammatory and can help reduce pain from inflammation, allowing for more comfortable and pleasurable touch and penetration. Additionally, as it soaks into the skin, CBD can relax the vaginal muscles and calm the nerves that perceive pain.

Though it hasn’t been fully proven whether CBD can increase blood flow, many users have reported feeling the related effects of better genital circulation: increased sensitivity to pleasurable touch, higher arousal levels, and production of their own natural lubrication.

Whenever possible, point your customers to a water-based CBD lubricant. Water-based CBD lubes are designed specifically for sexual play and intercourse. For starters, they’re completely safe to use with condoms and all sex toy materials. They offer quick absorption to the localized area through the vulvar and vaginal mucosa, maximizing CBD’s therapeutic effects. They’re also more likely to be pH-balanced so as not to interfere with the sensitive, acidic environment inside the vagina, which can potentially lead to yeast or bacterial infections.

However, be aware that CBD isn’t a cure-all. If your customers are experiencing deeper-rooted issues, like severe physical or emotional pain or suffering the effects of past trauma, consider referring them to a sexual therapist or qualified clinician. In fact, many AASECT-certified medical doctors and sex therapists are big believers in the amazing benefits of CBD!

CBD: Reinventing the Wheel for Sexual Pain Sufferers

As more aging women enter our retail shops and peruse our web stores, it’s our responsibility as intimate wellness experts to decipher their important sexual needs. While CBD extract might have begun as a 420-themed novelty, this proven medicinal remedy has quickly proven itself as a powerful tool for natural pain relief.

Your female customers age 40 years and older might not need another vibrator to solve their sensual woes. A CBD lubricant or edible might be just the ticket to helping aging women reclaim their right to incredible sex.


Understanding and Embracing the Aging, Female Consumer by Dr. Sadie Allison, Founder & CEO of GoLove CBD Lubricant, originally appeared in XBIZ

Great Sex Using All Five Senses

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I was thinking about this amazing platter of sushi I had the other day. It was seriously unreal. When the waiter brought it to our table, my friends and I gasped when we saw it. It was so beautiful. And when I put that first roll in my mouth, OMG, it was the best damn thing I’ve ever tasted. My friend said, “This is like an orgasm in my mouth,” and I honestly couldn’t have agreed more. Seeing that sushi with my eyes and tasting that sushi on my tongue brought me so much pleasure, it got me thinking about sexual pleasure and how it can be so much more comprehensive than just the physical aspect.

Incorporating all five senses – touching, smelling, hearing, tasting and seeing – can do wonders for your sex life, so I thought I’d drop some tips for y’all:

Touching

Since sex is such a physical act, of course touch is a big part of your sexual experience. But it’s always good to try new things and explore the entire body (both yours and your partner’s) so you can figure out what you like and what arouses you. Aside from the obvious parts of the body that have enhanced sensitivity, there are other erogenous zones that when touched, kissed or licked, can give you intense pleasure you never knew you could have. For me, it’s all about the ears. Seriously, the first time someone sucked on my ear while having sex, I was surprised by how amazing it felt. Now, it’s part of my normal sex routine because of how much it turns me on. Also, using a vibrator is another sensation that can rock your world.

Smelling

You know the excitement you get when you pass a bakery on the street and smell the fresh, gooey cookies they just took out of the oven?  Take that sensation and bring it into the bedroom! You can light a candle or incense, anything that will perk up your sense of smell and relax you.  I’m all about lavender, but there are so many different scents out there to try!

Hearing

Do you ever hear a song come on Spotify and you’re just like damnnn, this is putting me in the MOOD! Seriously though, sometimes at work that one song comes on in my headphones and I wish I could teleport to my bedroom! Music is that powerful. A good song can help set the mood for sex – during foreplay and during the main event. Queue up that sexy time playlist and ride it out, literally! Also, if talking dirty or flirty during sex turns you on, talk that TALK! Just remember to relax and let it flow.

Tasting

Going back to the cookies (of course)!  Bringing food into the mix is a great way to activate your taste buds and really boost your sexual experience. Whether you tease your partner by wrapping your lips and tongue around a big, juicy strawberry, or drizzling some honey on your nipples, make sure to use your tongue as much as you can. You know that Sex and the City scene where Samantha puts sushi all over her body? Yeah, it’s sexy as hell when you do it in real life!

Seeing

Visuals are huge when you’re trying to turn up the heat in the bedroom. You can even throw in a little strip tease to widen up your partner’s eyes and ramp up the excitement. Put on and then take off (wink wink) your special lingerie and put on a little show. Seeing my partner’s reaction to my sexiness and confidence always gives me that extra boost! Dialing up the visuals is great but taking away your sense of sight can also be sexy as hell. Removing one sense can help enhance all the other senses, so you can experiment with blindfolds to really focus on the other senses.


Great Sex Using All Five Senses by Miranda Buzzlove was originally published on CalExotic.com

Practical Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Partner

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Sexual encounters don’t just happen- someone needs to get things started. But how? How do you make a move? How do you let your partner know you’re interested in sex?

  1. JUST SAY IT!

People don’t initially love this advice, because many of us have roadblock around direct sexual communication (“what if my advances are rebuffed? Then I’ll feel foolish”, “what if I come off as too forward? Then they’ll think I’m aggressive”, “OK, but what do I actually say?”), and these roadblocks can hold us back.

But truth be told, a simple “hey, I feel like having sex right now, do you want to?” is the most effective  way to get what you want.

Research has suggested that couples do a phenomenally poor job of reading each other’s sexual initiation cues. Your naked dance after the shower and your “bedroom eyes” wink as you suck on a straw suggestively are not cutting it. The messages are extremely likely to be misread, or not picked up on at all. And then no sex happens, and everyone is sad. Just saying it sends a more clear, concise, and unmistakable message.

  1. Write it

If you’re still working on your face-to-face sexual communication skills, initiate sex in writing.

Send them a text, or leave a little post-it note on the bathroom mirror or somewhere else where they and only they will find it that says “sex later?”

  1. Start with the basics

Practice by initiating physical affection and touch in other ways in your relationship. Reach out and hold their hand. Plant a surprise kiss. Offer a no-strings attached sensual back rub. For one, hand-holding, kissing, and back rubs are a ton of fun, can be super sexy, and are a wonderful way to connect. But as a bonus, they can help you get comfortable with being the one who initiates sexual activity.

  1. Focus on them

One way to make initiating sex with your partner easier is by making the sex you’re offering actually good sex. Take care in being a generous, competent lover. Focus on their wants and needs. Then next time, you can be more confident about initiating if you know that they know the sex you’re initiating will be enjoyable for them.

  1. Set reasonable expectations

Initiating sex when your partner is sick, or after they just had a baby, or for 17 straight days in a row, will probably not be met with warmth and welcomeness. Set yourself up for success by being reasonable.

  1. Be Humble

When you initiate sex, sooner or later, you will be rejected. In fact this may be one of the reasons you’re hesitant putting on the moves in the first place. No one likes feeling unwanted, especially by a sexual partner.

But go into this knowing it will happen, and that it isn’t an indictment of you, your sexual attractiveness, or how desirable your partner finds you. It simply means they don’t want to have sex right now, and that’s valid. Take a humble approach to the inevitable denial. Pouting and whining are not a part of a healthy sexual relationship.


Practical Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Partner by Dr. Jill McDevitt originally appeared on CalExotics.com

Pregnancy & Sex — Staying Active & Trying New Positions

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Just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you should put your sex life on hold. In fact, connecting with your partner in this way during your pregnancy benefits your relationship. It’s also great for both you and the baby, because the endorphins you release during sex and especially orgasm, travel to the fetus and generate positive feelings there as well (although not sexual ones). Finding the right sex positions during pregnancy depends on which trimester you’re in, as I’ll discuss below.

Assuming that your doctor says it’s okay for you to have sex, which may not necessarily be true in a high-risk pregnancy, you can participate in intercourse anytime during your three trimesters. Because you may feel nauseated and tired during the first trimester, however, you might have difficulty even wanting to participate. Fortunately, for most women, things get a lot better during the second trimester, when increased blood flow to the genitals causes you to become easily aroused, even more so than before you were pregnant.

As you get into your third trimester, the size of the baby and your big belly make your usual sex positions impossible. This is where good communication between you and your partner really helps, along with the willingness to experiment with pregnancy sex positions. Having your partner enter you from behind might work at this stage, in either a spoon position, doggie style, or while you’re standing up. If you’re lying down, using some pillows to support your belly can help you feel more comfortable.

If pregnancy makes it impossible to get in the mood for sex, especially during the first and third trimesters, it’s important to find other ways to physically connect with your partner. Sharing closeness and intimacy will strengthen your bond and help you to remember to work together when the baby is crying at 3 a.m. and you’re deciding whose turn it is to get up!


Pregnancy & Sex — Staying Active & Trying New Positions by Dr. Laura Berman originally appeared on CalExotics.com

Sex in Broad Daylight

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If the phrase “Sex in broad daylight” elicits feelings of extreme discomfort, you are certainly not alone. In fact, over 40 percent of the population would rather have sex in complete darkness than have sex with the lights on in the room. Yes, that many! And I can only imagine how much of that percentage would drop if the stat were based on sex in broad daylight vs. the fake “mood lighting” we can create indoors. Because sunshine, while amazing and beautiful, is not exactly the most flattering or forgiving lighting option.

Perhaps one of the most liberating feelings ever is to have sex in broad daylight. Obviously, I’m not talking about boning your partner in a public park (I don’t want to promote any impromptu arrests), but I’m talking about daytime sex either outside privately or even inside at 1 p.m. with sun beaming through the windows. There is something equally enlightening about being unapologetically yourself in broad daylight, displaying every nook, cranny, hair, lump, bump, roll, stretch mark, cellulite patch, and imperfection. When you can let go of all your imperfections and insecurities and just BE in the light….that’s when INCREDIBLE sex truly begins.

I know, it’s easier said than done!

But for me, these three perks vastly outweigh any fear.

Perk #1 Amazing visual stimulation. When you can actually see your partner’s naked body, imperfections and all, sex feels so much more raw and real.

Perk #2:  Increased vulnerability. As scary as the word “vulnerable” can be for some, it is what leads to trust. And when you can trust your sexual partner, your world opens up to much better sex.

Perk #3:  Fewer time limitations on sex. If we are waiting to have sex until the sun goes down, we are limiting our options.  Having sex during the day allows us extra time to enjoy ourselves. Plus, it’s usually during the daylight hours that we have the most energy. Let’s capitalize on that!

I invite you to see the light this summer, friends. Actually, I dare you to! And not just any light…the real deal. The sun! Celebrate Summer Solstice and the entire summer season by surrendering your fears and stepping out into the light…naked. I promise you, it will be life-changing!


Sex in Broad Daylight by Miranda Buzzlove originally appeared on CalExotics.com

A Social Distancer’s Guide to Sex

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Nothing puts a person’s dating life on hold quite like a global pandemic. With shelter-in-place orders in effect and bars and restaurants temporarily shut down, all of this social distancing can leave folks feeling defeated, bored and incredibly lonely.

Social distancing can also wreak havoc on a person’s sex life since they can’t physically be close to another in real life. But social distancing doesn’t have to ruin that person’s sex life altogether!  In fact, with a little creativity and a willingness to step outside your comfort zone, you may actually find that it is possible to maintain a thriving sex life during this time.

Uncertain Times and Sex

Is it selfish to think about sex during this time of uncertainty? No! We are all human – and as humans, we have the capacity to hold a variety of thoughts and emotions at the same time, all circulating our minds together. Sympathy and empathy are emotions we are ALL feeling at this time, but that doesn’t mean we have to be completely void of other feelings. Please do not shame yourself (or others for that matter) if you are feeling horny or sensual during this time, too. We are allowed to feel what we feel, and it doesn’t make us less respectful or thoughtful.

But does sex even matter during this time of uncertainty? Many sex educators would argue yes.  (Oh, hell yes!) First of all, orgasms can decrease stress, lower anxiety levels and help you sleep better. They can also provide you with a short “meditative” retreat from reality, which is something many people are going to learn to appreciate over the next several months.

Sex While Social Distancing

To maintain a healthy sex life while social distancing, it’s imperative that you expand your definition of what “sex” means. Many people believe (or were taught to believe) that sex exclusively means penetration between two people. If you broaden your definition of sex and keep an open mind, however, there are many other ways to stay sexually active during this time.

  1. Have phone sex.  There is nothing steamier than a hot phone sex sesh with your crush. Take turns telling each other what you are wearing/taking off and explain in detail how you are touching your own bodies. This can be tantalizing! Close your eyes and tell your partner what you’d like to do to their body and what you’d like them to do to you in return. Talk about what you’d like to do the next time you see your partner in person. Go through vivid details about the last sexual encounter you had with them in person.  The visualization alone can lead to some really big O’s!
  2. Share your wildest fantasies. Phone sex can be the perfect excuse to share your wildest fantasies with your partner. When you aren’t in the same room or face-to-face, it can be a lot less intimidating to open up about your kinkiest of desires, too. You may even learn about some new fetishes you have in common and would like to explore the next time you see one another in person.
  3. Masturbate. Use this extended time at home to really get to know your body and what makes it tick.  Masturbate – but don’t just go through the motions. Take your time, set the mood (candles, music, a bubble bath), try a new toy, and watch some porn if that excites you. Treat yourself to some incredible, relaxing and sensual masturbation sessions and don’t rush them. Enjoy your body and appreciate the experience in its entirety.
  4. Experimentation. If you usually stick with the same masturbation routine or toy, this is the perfect time to try a new toy or experiment with new types of stimulation. Invest in your first butt plug, try a new stroker or test out a vibrator with a clit-sucker. Learn more about what your body likes so you can share your learnings in person later.
  5. Play creative games. There are plenty of ways to take your phone or video chat sessions to a higher, sexier level. Initiate a FaceTime game and see where things go. You may even notice an increase in confidence when playing from behind a screen in the comfort of your own home.

For those of you who are social distancing at home with a partner or spouse, tips two through five are totally doable in person, too! You could even do #1 (phone sex), if you wanted, from two separate rooms. No matter the case — solo or together – remember that sex is a fantastic method for destressing, so make time for connecting with your body/bodies and please, please, please don’t shame yourself for it.


A Social Distancer’s Guide to Sex by Jesse Hart was originally published on Calexotics.com